Jakarta Inter League (JIL) was in chaos after midnight at the Grand Hyatt Conference Centre as the opposing factions haggled over what should have been the formality of increasing the League’s borrowing ceiling, and indeed over who was to pay the bill for the unbelievable amounts they were being charged by the Hyatt for beers.
“Can you imagine how much we would be in debt if we drank here all the fucking time” was the reaction of Minor Faction Sentul Swingers Representative John “Big Boy” Jones to having to pay nine bucks for a Bintang tinny that he could get at Hero for less than a buck fifty.
The party of President Bapak Jack Coldcall, Golfers of Democracy (GOD), are insisting that the Caddy Shack in the Sky (CSIK) Project has to be completed and that the enormous accumulated future Pension and Medicare rights of the caddies honoured.
The plan, devised and completed by Paddy O’Finnion just before his infamous departure for Singapore on Air Asia in early July, proposes funding this by:
- Cost Cutting – on security, administrative staff and green maintenance and imagining that the new “cover all” health scheme devised by the President will actually drive health costs lower
- Increasing Annual Membership and Green Fees by 25%
- Raising the JIL’s borrowing limit to 154.53 trillion Rupiah
The increase in both Annual Memberships and Green fees is being vehemently opposed by the PDI-Tee Set Party, with strong support from the “Orange Faction” and they have repeatedly stated their refusal to countenance any increase in what they describe as “Taxation by any other name”, refusing backing even for the closure of well known loopholes around the “Country Membership”, “Life Membership” and “Corporate Membership” avoidance schemes.
JIL finances are currently severely stretched and on the first day of Ramadan JIL is expected, in the absence of being able to raise further loans, to run out of money for paying their bills and even more seriously, the interest on their current debt pile of 135.45 trillion Rupiah largely brought about by the ill fated Caddy Shack in the Sky Project. Failure to pay interest will put JIL in default with loss of its coveted AAA rating and very serious consequences for the Global Financial System; JIL bonds are already on “Negative Outlook” by both Moody’s and Standard and Poors.
During a break from the negotiations, PDI-Tee Set Party Chairman Rich Whymeman told us that, “these people are fucking communists; their plans for spending the hard earned money of golfers on their socialist dreams are not going to happen on my watch”. With PDI-Tee Set and the Orange Faction together holding a majority on the JIL House Ways and Means and Finance Committees, they have something of a whiphand on the issue.
GOD Chairman, Ananas Urbanlegenda, accused both PDI-Tee Set and the Orange Faction of intransigence by refusing to talk with his group and instead insisting on talking directly with the President. “No point talking to the oily rag” was Orange Faction Chairman Jean van der Battle’s reaction, adding “anyway, he’s just an effing crook, the only surprise is that he hasn’t left for Singapore yet, already“.
When invited to comment on the current impasse, President Bapak Jack Coldcall said “These bastards have got to put together a plan that attracts the support of both sides of the House and it’s got to be a plan I can sign by the first day of Ramadan, after I finish my morning round at Genung Gulis and before I tee off at Bogor Raya in the afternoon”, adding “I for one have gone the extra mile in making my time available in a busy official schedule”.
Speaking via Skype Videophone from his room above the Star Deli, fugitive from justice Paddy O’Finnion reflected that “most of the caddy pensioners on the list are either dead or fabricated in an hilarious session we had upstairs in Sportmans Bar a couple of years ago while most of the money borrowed goes directly into the bank accounts of GOD and its functionaries; it will probably end in compromise, but only after PDI-Tee Set and the Orange Faction get what they consider their fair share”.
Asked to comment in the Pangkalanjati GC clubhouse after pipping Grumpy McGreedy on a controversial count-back for the day’s low net of 68, long time PDI-Tee Setter and VP-Caddy Affairs Peter Rancamaya said, “We are right there with Rich on this one; how the fuck can they keep putting the fees up like this?, – it’s taxation without representation whatever way you look at it, mate”.
Meanwhile, Joe Public grows increasingly irritated, with a recent NtJP/ORC International Poll revealing growing public exasperation and demand for compromise. Sixty-four percent of respondents to a July 18-20 survey preferred a deal with a mix of spending cuts and green fee increases. Only 34% preferred a debt reduction plan based solely on spending reductions.
Negotiations were continuing as your correspondent left the Hyatt around 04:30 to get a reasonably priced Burbur Ayam at his favourite Kaki Lima and a long sleep.