Archive for the ‘Sport’ Category

Details are only now emerging of an incident at the RSC 9-a side hockey tournament in Kuala Lumpur a couple of weekends ago, with the matter going unreported in the Malaysian press and a wall of silence being established until last evening by the International Sporting Club of Indonesia‘s (ISCI) participants.

Fortunately, our indefatigable Blok-M stringer was on the spot late last night earning his per diem in Sportsmans Bar where a few of the ISCI boys were exuberantly celebrating a hard earned 3-2 victory at Senayan over a strong and determined University Al-Azhar HC.

According to what our semi-sloshed stringer thought he overheard, the problem started when the ISCI team tried to enter, en masse, one of the dodgy girly bars on Bukit Bintang. Several of the expats had already entered when two of the team’s Indonesian players were refused entry on the grounds that they were not expats.

Led by burly English central defender Martin “Black Ada” Bates, the expats informed the doormen that unless their Indonesian team mates were let in then they (the doormen) were about to wear a beer or two after which a number of blows were exchanged.

The arrival of the local Pak Polisi minutes later calmed things down somewhat and a triumphant ISCI team were eventually all granted entry by a rather nervous management shortly afterwards, when they partied until being thrown/carried out around 04:00 along with some newly acquired and rather fragrant local supporters.

Job (Sabun) Renkins, former playing hero of ISCI was quoted from his New York office as saying “Unbelievable, nothing has changed, we had the same fucking problem in Bangkok 20 years ago when they wouldn’t let Soy Rondakh in on the grounds that he was “too Asian”” adding, “well done, boys, for standing up for your rights!!”

Team President and one time speedy winger, Allan Kent, said, “it’s ironic that we only came away because the Pak Polisi in Jakarta seemed to be arresting expats on a near daily basis.”. Asked to explain the blanket of “omerta” that had been thrown around the incident, Allan explained that most of  their wives thought they were on a Temple viewing mission to Borobudur but that had all been cleared up now..

Mighty Reds in BATS shock!!!!

Posted: August 17, 2011 in Sport

Burgeoning Asian interest in English Premier League (EPL) football has not bypassed Jakarta,  the city that really never sleeps, indeed a recent survey commissioned by the NtJP, in conjunction with newly arrived SUPERBRANDS, revealed that more than one in two Jakartan cars and motor bikes sport the favours of an EPL team, with Manchester United (MU) ahead of both Chelsea and Liverpool with the others, especially Newcastle United, being also rans.

Keen to capitalise (monetise? – ED) on this, many EPL sides have made the long journey out this way in order to sell more football shirts promote themselves.  With primary attention hitherto on China, Malaysia, Japan and Korea, Indonesia’s growing economic power is now attracting the attention of the big boys, with recent visits by star names like Rio Ferdinand and Cesc  Fabregas and, yesterday of course, the Mighty Reds of Liverpool FC (LFC).

Everybody with anything to do with Indonesian football was immensely disappointed by the cancellation of the Manchester United visit to Jakarta in 2009, a cancellation brought about  by the deadly terrorist bomb attack on the Ritz-Carlton Hotel where the team was due to stay and the nearby JW Marriot Hotel (A few of the dead and injured were pretty pissed off as well – ED).

“That event was a disaster for all associated with Indonesian football” the NtJP was reminded by the interim President of PSSI (pounds per square inch) Bambang Purwanto from Solo “and we have worked tirelessly since to bring another big name club to Jakarta for the fans to enjoy, we are absolutely over the moon that LFC were finally able to agree terms. It has really helped that we now have a four star General in charge of the league; they know how to get things done here. We know that his only other experience of football was a five-a-side game with his kids on Anyar beach in 1989, however, that is not what counts here”

With a capacity crowd of 80,000 at Bung Karno Stadium at Senayan last night to cheer them on Indonesian Independence Day, the Merah Putih did well to hold LFC to 1-1 at half-time before a brilliant second half hat-trick from Louis Suarez and a stunner from Andy Carroll sealed their fate, with the match ending 1-5, no disgrace surely to lose to the rampant five times European Champions?

After a short reception at the Shangri Lah hotel where they were staying, in order to get a bite to eat and auction off for children’s charities a number of football shirts signed by the whole team, most of the players then repaired to the BATS nightclub in the basement of the hotel itself and one of the city’s most notorious, erm, discos. Team management were apparently blissfully unaware of BATS being in the Hotel and their stern warning to the team that they must not leave the hotel was consequently somewhat undermined.

Upon word of the players’ presence in BATS reaching the NtJP news desk, we immediately despatched our Blok M Correspondent to the scene to see if he could get us on the inside track. While reporters from both the Jakarta Post and Jakarta Globe were already present, our correspondent’s Scouse accent and lifelong support of “the Reds” were to give him a distinct advantage and he was to quickly engage star striker Andy Carroll, signed from the Toons for £36 million earlier this year.

Asked what he thought about the game last evening, an Andy draped with two stunners replied, “never mind that shite, look at all these gorgeous women, unbelievable, and they’re all up for it you know, knocks the old Tuxedo Junction into a cocked hat, I’ve already had more offers than I could handle in a month”, adding with a wink, “excuse me, I’m off to show these two my stamp collection upstairs, I don’t need an agent  for that”.

Joe Cole, sitting with perhaps the prettiest girl in the place, one Yanti Sularti a hairdresser from Ciamis, was later to share with us that the last time he was in a place like this he was “left shirt-less, phone-less, money-less, covered in blood & bruises and wandering the streets”. Wouldn’t happen here, Joe, so no need for a super-injunction either, they don’t have ‘em here.

Standing nearby, a clearly engrossed team captain and your Editor’s own personal Superhero, Stevie Gerrard, said he had never seen anything like it, adding that “I’ve ‘ad an offer to play ‘ere in Jakarta after I retire from the Reds, an’ you know wha’, even though the money is shite, I may just fucking take it, it’s the business ’ere in Jakarta”.

Signing from Charlton FC last year, the hugely talented Jonjo Shelvey, was clearly delighted to be in a town where Twitter had yet to take hold as he told us, “none of the girls in this city have seen my dick yet, but that is about to change”.

Our correspondent also took time to interview a few of the enormous number of lovely ladies invariably present in BATS, first asking “Dewi” a hairdresser from Pelabuhan Ratu what she thought of the players? “Cakap sumua” or “they are all handsome” she replied before adding, “we haven’t had so much fun since Pak Rio was here and sorted out four of the girls at once in the fire escape!!”. Another “Dewi” this one from Lampung and yet another hairdresser was,  in answer to the same question, to say that she had fallen in love with “Looie” as he looked quite like a Menado boy and that she would love to take him home to meet her Mum.

As dawn broke, we caught Team Manager Kenny Dalglish in the lobby giving the Shangri Lah’s General Manager, Gerhard Gecko,  the man who never goes anywhere without his Greek silver bracelet, a severe bollocking for having failed to inform the Team Management of what he described as “that knocking shop in the fucking cellar”, evoking only the rather pathetic response, “Mr Dalglish, it really is just a disco and it was certainly in the pamphlet we sent you”

On being asked immediately afterwards what his plans for the day were, Kenny shared with us that finding his missing players “wiz right there at the top af mah fucking shopping list” adding “and youse can fuck off too, son” in that curious mix of the Glasgow and Liverpool patois that has so beguiled Reds supporters over the years. Immediately afterwards, however, he was to turn around and shout after your correspondent, “you live in Jakarta right, why are there so many hairdressers on the fucking game here, and why are they all called Dewi?.” Unable to give an answer that had any chance of being understood, your correspondent left the scene. Aduh, Jakarta yah, enak aja loe.

Shangri Lah management was unavailable for comment early morning but did suggest we check out their website. We didn’t.

We did, however, get through to the British Embassy for once but their only response was, “Liverpool, are they really here, can you get us some tickets?” before we put the phone down though, to be fair,  that was better than the multi-layered telephone answering “service” menu we usually get.

MIGHTY REDS, wonderful to share our city with you, come back soon, y’all!!

Inter League burns the midnight oil

Jakarta Inter League (JIL) was in chaos after midnight at the Grand Hyatt Conference Centre as the opposing factions haggled over what should have been the formality of increasing the League’s borrowing ceiling, and indeed over who was to pay the bill for the unbelievable amounts they were being charged by the Hyatt for beers.

“Can you imagine how much we would be in debt if we drank here all the fucking time” was the reaction of Minor Faction Sentul Swingers Representative John “Big Boy” Jones to having to pay nine bucks for a Bintang tinny that he could get at Hero for less than a buck fifty.

The party of President Bapak Jack Coldcall, Golfers of Democracy (GOD), are insisting that the Caddy Shack in the Sky (CSIK) Project has to be completed and that the enormous accumulated future Pension and Medicare rights of the caddies honoured.

The plan, devised and completed by Paddy O’Finnion just before his infamous departure for Singapore on Air Asia in early July, proposes funding this by:

  • Cost Cutting – on security, administrative staff and green maintenance and imagining that the new “cover all” health scheme devised by the President will actually drive health costs lower
  • Increasing Annual Membership and Green Fees by 25%
  • Raising the JIL’s borrowing limit to 154.53 trillion Rupiah

The increase in both Annual Memberships and Green fees is being vehemently opposed by the PDI-Tee Set Party, with strong support from the “Orange Faction” and they have repeatedly stated their refusal to countenance any increase in what they describe as “Taxation by any other name”, refusing backing even for the closure of well known loopholes around the “Country Membership”, “Life Membership” and “Corporate Membership” avoidance schemes.

JIL finances are currently severely stretched and on the first day of Ramadan JIL is expected, in the absence of being able to raise further loans, to run out of money for paying their bills and even more seriously, the interest on their current debt pile of 135.45 trillion Rupiah largely brought about by the ill fated Caddy Shack in the Sky Project. Failure to pay interest will put JIL in default with loss of its coveted AAA rating and very serious consequences for the Global Financial System; JIL bonds are already on “Negative Outlook” by both Moody’s and Standard and Poors.

During a break from the negotiations, PDI-Tee Set Party Chairman Rich Whymeman told us that, “these people are fucking communists; their plans for spending the hard earned money of golfers on their socialist dreams are not going to happen on my watch”. With PDI-Tee Set and the Orange Faction together holding a majority on the JIL House Ways and Means and Finance Committees, they have something of a whiphand on the issue.

GOD Chairman, Ananas Urbanlegenda, accused both PDI-Tee Set and the Orange Faction of intransigence by refusing to talk with his group and instead insisting on talking directly with the President. “No point talking to the oily rag” was Orange Faction Chairman Jean van der Battle’s reaction, adding “anyway, he’s just an effing crook, the only surprise is that he hasn’t left for Singapore yet, already“.

When invited to comment on the current impasse, President Bapak Jack Coldcall said “These bastards have got to put together a plan that attracts the support of both sides of the House and it’s got to be a plan I can sign by the first day of Ramadan, after I finish my morning round at Genung Gulis and before I tee off at Bogor Raya in the afternoon”, adding “I for one have gone the extra mile in making my time available in a busy official schedule”.

Speaking via Skype Videophone from his room above the Star Deli, fugitive from justice Paddy O’Finnion reflected that “most of the caddy pensioners on the list are either dead or fabricated in an hilarious session we had upstairs in Sportmans Bar a couple of years ago while most of the money borrowed goes directly into the bank accounts of GOD and its functionaries; it will probably end in compromise, but only after PDI-Tee Set and the Orange Faction get what they consider their fair share”.

Asked to comment in the Pangkalanjati GC clubhouse after pipping Grumpy McGreedy on a controversial count-back for the day’s low net of 68, long time PDI-Tee Setter and VP-Caddy Affairs  Peter Rancamaya said, “We are right there with Rich on this one; how the fuck can they keep putting the fees up like this?, – it’s taxation without representation whatever way you look at it, mate”.

Meanwhile, Joe Public grows increasingly irritated, with a recent NtJP/ORC International Poll revealing growing public exasperation and demand for compromise. Sixty-four percent of respondents to a July 18-20 survey preferred a deal with a mix of spending cuts and green fee increases. Only 34% preferred a debt reduction plan based solely on spending reductions.

Negotiations were continuing as your correspondent left the Hyatt around 04:30 to get a reasonably priced Burbur Ayam at his favourite Kaki Lima and a long sleep.

As exclusively revealed by this organ, the treasurer of  the Golfers of Democracy Party (GOD) of President Bapak Jack Coldcall (or BJC as he is almost universally known), fled to Singapore, just hours before the Corruption Eradication Commission (KPK) issued an order revoking his passport and was later seen enjoying dinner in the Raffles Hotel with a number of high profile miscreants and fugitives from justice including Muammed Nazaruddin, Gayus Tambunan and Nunun Nurbaeti.

The apparent reason for the swift and unannounced departure for Singapore of the treasurer, Paddy O’Finnion, was of course believed to be the rumours swirling round about his having received kickbacks on the massive Caddy Accomodation Project (CAP) near the Jagorawi Golf course (JGC), an accusation he was to deny several times before getting on the infamous Air Asia flight to Singapore on July 1st.

As background it is useful to remind ourselves at this point that the position of President of the Jakarta Inter League (JIL) is non-party affiliated, above partisanship and supposed to be independent, however, BJC chose after his election to remain a Patron of GOD, a decision he may very well now be regretting.

For those of your reeling under the barrage of three letter acronyms, or TLAs as we call them, now might be a very good time to take a seat and ask the office boy for a glass of cold water for, as you will see, it is not going to get any better , though in the interim perhaps this diagram will help.

After O’Finnions departure, powers within GOD, and with the backing of its Patrons it’s believed. took steps to discredit O’Finnion and disassociate him from the party, firstly by removing him as treasurer and then by excluding him from GOD membership entirely.

It was then that O’Finnion got really pissed off at GOD and started a BBM and SMS based campaign making accusations against, amongst others, GOD party chairman Ananas Urbanlegenda, alleging that not only had Urbanlegenda and others shared in the proceeds of the kickbacks from CAP contractor, PT Amplop Coklat, but that he, Urbanlegenda, had used his share to bribe other members of GOD so as to secure his own election as Chairman.

In a dramatic further escalation, O’Finnion last week appeared on Jakarta based MetroTV via Skype Video call, repeating his allegations against Urbanlegenda and adding that it was Ananas who had told him to “go to Singapore and stay there for three years until a regime change is complete” and going on to accuse KPK Deputy Chairman Chade Raharja, an unnamed KPK Director and PDI-Tee Set Chairman Rich Whymeman of being part of the conspiracy. This was to be quickly followed by the KPK banning most of O’Finnions business associates, family and a barmaid from Star Deli from leaving the country, while still refusing to investigate his allegations unless and until he returns to Jakarta .

O'Finnions favourite

We can now exclusively reveal that O’Finnion has in fact revisited Jakarta on several occasions and NottheJakartaPost was able to interview him by phone on one of those occasions when he said, “I’m staying in that apartment over the Star Deli that the PDI-Tee Set boys use, I just couldn’t face another three years without a round at Permata Sentul and a caddy or two.”

We know for sure he was there in the Star Deli (SD) because we could definitely hear the voice of Dewi, his favourite barmaid, as she delivered another draft Guinness from downstairs.

BJC is now believed to be encouraging Ananas to jump before he is pushed, presumably by the KPK, in the hope that ditching him will improve his own image which remains “honest but motionless” according to a recent public opinion poll by Golf Weekly.

Months behind schedule

With all the distractions, the “Caddy Shack in the Sky” (CSIK) is running months behind schedule and is unlikely to be available for its initial planned use as accommodation for the upcoming South East Asian Games (SEA Games).

Ananas when asked to suggest what the future might have in store for O’Finnion thought that “a meeting with my unlubricated 8-iron was certainly on the agenda”, while BJC when asked how he would best characterise the current situation suggested, rather cryptically but not untypically we thought, “Golf with Indonesian characteristics” and refused to be pressed further.

Finally, long time PDI-Tee Setter, Grumpy McGreedy told our reporter at Palm Hills GC today that, “they’re all thieving bastards, we just want to play golf, man”. Well, you’ve got that right, Grumpy. Amen.

Despite a tough day at the links, your correspondent summoned up the energy to get to the Blok and cover the activities there last evening. First up was a trip to MyDump where the final of the FAB Pool League was taking place.

Shamefully, Everest Sherpas came to the final two players short and MyDump All-Knighters were to run out inevitable winners in “short time” to become champions after years of Everest domination. Really a great disappointment for those spectators who could actually see the games in a venue ill-suited to pool as a spectator sport.

The third/fourth place play off, happening simultaneously on a second table, was to provide far greater spectator interest in a tight tussle and, with Oscar Gays 8-6 down, skipper Sony Tarborough won his first frame against Top Gun Hot Shots “Samurai Kurus” to bring the spectators to the edge of their seats. In the last frame and with the balls tight, a quite remarkable two ball finish saw the “Samurai Kurus” and Hot Shots victorious at the last.

The next FAB League will not now take place until 2012 and those interested in taking part in competitive pool before then are being told that FAB League teams are to be offered places in the next Jakarta International Pool League starting in August, maybe. Sarky Mims confirmed to your corresspondent that invisible hands are hard at work and that all will be revealed in the not too distant. Inschallah.

Such a lovely helmet ......

Over at Everest Cafe later could be found large numbers of semi-inebriated Jakarta Hashers celebrating the release from jail on Thursday of 25 of their number and the return to his native Germany of Urp the Buhm, a stalwart of Jakarta hashing for some years. The Harriettes in particular seemed saddened by the prospect of no longer having Urp the Buhm, with Juicy Beaver, Wet and Ready and Drive Chicken all apparently beyond consolation. Wet and Ready was able only to say, “he has such a lovely helmet” before escaping to the ladies in floods of tears.

In a remarkable coincidence, also in Everest Cafe was newly appointed NottheJakartaPost Central America and Carribean stringer, Wony Tud, back in town for a spot of R&R. pictured here with just some of his favourite barmaids.

Finally your correspondent rather recklessly encouraged Juicy Beaver to share with our readers the origin of her fascinating moniker only to be rebuffed by the suggestion that he might like to wear a beer. It was clearly time to go home and leave the Blok to its own devices, somehow resisting the strange impulse to purchase yet another model sailing ship or oil rig on the way out.

It’s been a busy week for us here in the Big Durian and our brave team of reporters and editorial staff are now looking forward to the weekend and relaxing on the many fine golf courses that the city and its environs has to offer. Tee Set are at Matoa with a 9:30 tee off on Sunday, though it’s a walking course only if our corporate memory serves.

Useful also to update you on the status of a couple of the most important stories that have broken in the few weeks since the NottheJakartaPost opened it doors for the business of getting you, the Jakarta expat, the inside track on the things that are important and of interest to you.

Alex McLeish

First up we are happy to report that Alex McLeish (NtJP passim) remains out of jail and this despite what he describes as a small issue with Menggugat, Merebut dan Lari, legendary Jakarta advocates, over the non-payment of an invoice despite getting 20 mill in a  whipround from his mates a couple of weeks ago. “Aye, well” said Alex, “I’ve had a fair few billies coming up which I had to pay, ye ken, including most of the bars in the Blok which were threatening to cut off mah credit unless they got a substantial payment on account, ye ken”

The news on the Jakarta Hash House Harriers is even better, with Pak Polisi having decided not to press charges and instead release all 25 of the hashers who had found themselves incarcerated after a night of adventure off the Jagorawi Tol.

Apparently Masturbator and Wet and Ready were interviewed and were able, at length, to convince Pak Polisi there was nothing sinister about the Drinkers with a Running Problem despite the presence of Grand Masters, Religious Advisers and the various strange names they give each other, not to mention the weird rituals, charges, chanting and singing of The Circle. Normality is, however, now restored and you will find their next Hash Run details (their 2,266th) here if you feel the urge to exercise your legs and right arm in the near future. On, on.

Proudly sponsored by NottheJakartaPost

Pleased to announce that NottheJakartaPost ™ has secured its first major sponsorship deal, this with the Everest Trojan Bastards, a team in the Blok-M based FAB Pool League. Despite being creamed 9-2 in the second leg of the quarter finals by Oscar Gays, the Trojan Bastards are an ambitious lot with a sound business model; as immediate past Captain, Lob Rock put it, “we will take anybody’s bottle of Tequila”. If you look extremely closely then you may even be able to see our logo. The semi-finals and the finals will be played at MyBar on Saturday starting at 13:00; grog prices have been set attractively low and they tell me all are welcome.

Those of you with with kids on holiday and pissed off by the absence of anything worthwhile seeing in Jakarta’s movie houses may wish to take comfort from this quote from Culture and Tourism Minister, Jero Wacik, “the public will be able to watch it before the fasting month”. With the fasting month due to start July 30th  according to the Editor’s jaga, you would be well advised not to hold your breath.

Faithful reader, Sony Tarborough told us of his virus software warning him of a potential virus threat when he opened yesterday’s edition from one of our infamous e-mails. Looks very much like it was false positive as he was unable to reproduce the problem – and all our systems checked out clean, Anyway, many thanks to Sony – and do let us know if you ever experience something similar.

Finally, may your Friday evening come around quickly and your weekend be fun and relatively stress free, see you Monday ……. NottheJakartaPost

Jakarta’s large expatriate community was in a state of shock late last evening as news trickled back into bars, restaurants and sleazy discos across the city of the arrest of 25 expatriates, all members of the famous Jakarta Hash House Harriers or “Jakarta HHH” near Kampung Cialis, approximately 500 metres west of the Shell service station on the Jakarta bound carriageway of the Jagorawi Tol.

A Densus 88 source, speaking on terms of anonymity, later informed your reporter that the local branch of NU had made allegations of Masonic Rituals and proselytizing by a large group of foreigners near their village.

According to self-styled Grand Master, “Mastubator” Lecher, the Hash had finished and the Religious Adviser was going through the charges when, “around 50 armed police burst into the circle and handcuffed and arrested everyone there; we were face down on the ground and handcuffed within seconds”. Masturbator further volunteered that he was away in the undergrowth having what he described as a “whazz” at the moment the police struck and sensibly kept his head down along with “Wet and Ready” who had been helping him, though he confessed to not knowing where she was now.

Another Hasher who managed to evade the police raid was Anish “Sherpa Fuck thing” Sakya, aka Sake, who explained that he had gone to fetch further supplies of cold Bintang and was “very, very shocked” to find no one there upon his return. “I am very, very shocked” he said, repeating himself, possibly needlessly.

We were able to catch up with the still shocked Masturbator in the Everest Cafe on Jalan Felatehan later in the evening when we asked him to comment on the allegations of Masonic rituals and proselytizing that had been made.

While clearly under the influence of the large number of Tequilas that had been poured down his neck by the accompanying Sherpa Fuck thing, Masturbator was vehement in his denials, “I’m not that kind of fucking Grand Master, it’s just a fucking coincidence, man”. This was confirmed by Sherpa Fuck thing who said, “For Christ’s sake, we are just doing running, drinking and falling over, that’s all we do man, the circle thing is just an excuse to drink and we aren’t trying to convert anybody.”

Occupying the seat next to Masturbator, and in his favourite chair, was well know Jakarta celebrity Alex “Up Your Kilt” McLeash (NtJP passim) who was to reveal that he had also been at the scene, explaining that “I used to be an active hasher, ye ken, and didnae the Harriettes liv me, ye ken, bit a’hm past it noo and jist organise the drinks fae the loons and quinnies” adding that while waiting for the Hashers to return he had tested a jug of Margarita and subsequently passed out under the drinks table, only waking up when the police raid was underway. “It seems ah cannae come oot the fuckin’ hoos these days, wi’out the polis crawlin’ ah o’er me, yae ken” he complained.

Among the Hashers believed to be in police custody are Madame Flash, Wet and Ready, Texas Turd, Fak-Fak, Graft, Rollback, Foreskin, Nicotina, Haggissimo and Lombollocks, whilst still missing but understood to have somehow avoided arrest, are Juicy Beaver and Powderballs.

When contacted for comment on the incarceration of 19 of its subjects, the British Embassy answer phone said, “Sorry, we are only open from 9 until 4 Monday to Thursday and 10 until 12 on Fridays, thank you for calling the Embassy, we appreciate your business, have a nice day.”