A different Ani gets her gun

The Jakarta Inter League (JIL) is in turmoil today as it anguishes over BJC‘s (Bapak Jack Coldcall’s)  award to his own wife, Annie, of one of the country’s highest awards, the Bintang Republik Indoneisa Adipradana – 2nd Class (BRIA2).

The award ceremony took place yesterday at the Jagorawi Golf and Country Club near Cibinong, south of Jakarta. Also in attendance were Annie’s younger brother and recently appointed head of the army, Lt. General Pramono Edhie Wibowo, his wife’s cat, Budi, recently appointed Royal Mouse Catcher to the Palace at Surakarta and immediate past UK Ambassador to Indonesia, Martin Alan Gobfull together with some leading lights from the GOD Party who remain stubbornly out of jail.

Previous holders of the award include many resistance fighters from the Dutch and Japanese era including, perhaps most famously, National Heroine Dewi Prijonogo, who was to die at the hands of Japanese interrogators in 1943 having bravely refused, during several days of gruesome torture, to reveal the whereabouts of fellow resistance fighters in their Depok area base.

Ribbon of the Bintang Republik Indonesia Adipradana medal

Asked why he had decided to award the BRIA2 to his wife, BJC told journalists, “have you never tasted her Bakso?”

This apparently self-inflicted controversy could not have come at a worse time for BJC as the Golfers of Democracy (GOD) struggles with public anger over widespread corruption in the party that is his creation and not least the publicity over the arrest in Cartagena of disgraced former Treasure of GOD, Paddy O’Finnion.

A presidential spokesman who was not authorised to speak on the record told us that “the Bakso thing was tongue in cheek by BJC, his wife in fact was also absolutely meticulous at making sure his balls were washed and his clubs polished before every game, it is vital to the JIL that BJC is right in mind and body before every round”. Asked why BJC had only given his wife the BRIA second class, the spokesman suggested that this may be due to Annie “not putting enough sambal on his Bakso“.

Asked for his views on the controversy, former Ambassador Martin Alan Gobfull remained characteristically diplomatic, saying only that “this is a wonderful occasion that celebrates this beautiful country’s diversity; where else in the world could a humble President’s wife get a gong for making Bakso?”  Asked if he planned to get a Hash in while he was here, the Ambassador confirmed that he “would be running with the TGIS Hash tomorrow morning; it’s been weeks since I’ve had a decent down down, though I do hope they’ve forgotten about the helping illegal aliens thing“.

Friday Roundup #3

Posted: August 12, 2011 in Reader dialogue

August is not generally a wild month for news globally, however, in this as with many other things, Jakarta is different and the big stories just, er, keep on coming.

Maybe not ....

On Monday, and having become a martyr for press freedom with his incarceration in Jakarta’s LP Cipinang, the Editor managed to smuggle out a harrowing and tear provoking account of his first days of suffering there in a post that also saw the invariably plebian NtJP‘s first ever inclusion of poetry. Don’t worry, you haven’t wandered into the wrong organ, it won’t happen again.

With the Deputy Editor in harness, His Omnipotence‘s interest in the Bangka Island nuclear bomb power facility came up once again on Tuesday, please visit as it makes His Omnipotence very happy.

With the UK in flames, Pak Polisi was taking no chances on Wednesday night and pretty much “did an Assad” on expat rich Kemang, where it was possible to shake hands with up to 2,000 of Pak Polisi’s finest without moving off Jl. Bangka Raya. Data emerging from the Sceptered Isle indicates that 90% of the thousands already arrested there were 18 and under, not the sort of demographic to be found in the Big Durian’s expat community, though Pak Polisi might be well advised to keep an eye on the playing fields of JIS and BIS. The word on the street has it, however, that their students are all too spaced out to riot most of the time and too privileged to acquire new trainers other than with their Mastercards, so looks like we are safe until the Rakyat rises up.

Finally, late last evening, we brought the exclusive inside story on the discovery and arrest of fugitive from justice, Paddy O’Finnion, former Treasurer of Golfers of Democracy (GOD), in Cartagena, Colombia. That the “invisible hand” of the NtJP was able play a full part is a source of great pride to us here.

As ever it seems the entire staff, with the exception of Mbak Dewi, will be taking advantage of the many fine golf courses offered by the city that really never sleeps. Mbak Dewi will instead be going to the Mal and her favourite salon. We hope that you too get to do what you enjoy, whatever it is and so long as it’s legal.

Sampai Monday, ED

Cartagena's Cathedral Tower

Colombia has a reputation for beautiful cities, often with much of their amazing architectural heritage preserved, great beaches, world-class restaurants, gorgeous women and a wild night life not untypical of the whole of South America in fact.

So, what’s not to like? … erm, unfortunately, it is even more famous for being a dangerous place to live, with large swathes of the countryside under the control of really rather nasty Communist insurgent types and/or even nastier drug cartels.

While things have become somewhat better in recent years it is still a destination for the intrepid and not your Mum. Unless you don’t like your Mum of course.

Despite the dangers, it was not to take Jakarta based Kiwi expat, Wony Tud an environmental consultant, too long to come up with the answer “yes” to a recent offer of a relatively short but well remunerated posting there, reluctant though he was to leave behind the flesh pots multi-faceted cultural attractions of Jakarta in general, and Blok M in particular.

Now signed up for the duration as our Central America and Caribbean stringer (he was real cheap – ED), Wony was in the fabulous city of Cartagena on Monday, waiting to mobilise for a dolphin counting mission or some such and sharing a late night sherbet or two with colleagues at Mister Babilla, located on the Avenida del Arsenal (yes, he is a bloody Arsenal supporter but is otherwise reasonably normal – ED). It is here that we hand over the baton to Wony with his firsthand account in this e-mail received in the Editor’s in-box yesterday..

A Flamenco dancer

A Flamenco dancer

“We had been in there for about an hour or so when a couple of smartly dressed guys came in and sat at the table next to us recently vacated by four quite stunning Flamenco dancers. The place is wild, if you can imagine the Jaya Pub on steroids and minus the geriatric band and barmen then you have it.

It was bloody noisy and there were already a few pissed Yanks dancing on the bar, however, I swore I  could hear the guys at the next table speaking Indonesian for Christ’s sake, so I tuned in.

As you know my Indo is passable but not great, however, I picked up enough to know that it was Paddy O’Finnion who had featured ad nauseam in your organ of late as he was talking about shafting a few more GOD functionaries and, strangely, talked about having given the Indonesian Ambassador here a lockbag with his underwear in, apparently a ruse to divert them away from where the “digital stack” really was. BTW, that photo of him you published at Raffles is definitely him!

Anyway, to cut a long story short I phoned my mate in the Central Detective Division in Jakarta and told him where O’Finnion was and, less than an hour later, the local Policia marched in mob handed and had him on the ground and handcuffed faster than you can say Bolivarian Revolution.

He protested long and hard that he wasn’t the O’Finnion they were looking for but rather his younger brother and pleaded with them to check his passport. The Policia were having none of it, however, and took him away where they checked his fingerprints against what they had been sent by Pak Polisi and voila!

Heavy bribe at police headquarters got me a  five minute interview the following morning, sorry, no receipt ED, when Paddy appeared grateful to chat with someone in Indonesian, even if it was mine. He is really very worried that “they” consider knocking him off as the easy way out of the problems he is posing to GOD and BJC (President Bapak Jack Caldwell – ED).

Asked about the “Digital stash” he had given the Ambassador, he laughed and said, “all they will find in the Lockbox if they ever get it open is yesterday’s underwear” adding that “the real deal is still in Jakarta under lock and key and, if I should happen to die on the way back, then a copy will go to every news editor on the planet, it’s all organised”

So, there you have it, the inside story from the NottheJakartaPost‘s man on the spot and indeed his own pivotal role in it. The ramifications are huge of course, not least for BJC and GOD and we will be bringing you our analysis of the implications in full next week.

In the interim we trust that Paddy O’Finnion has a pleasant and safe flight home on the special Garuda flight that has been arranged for him.

Paddy would be very well advised to either “berpuasa” until he gets back here to Jakarta or, better still in view of the two days flight time, take his own food and drink with him.

The buzz around the office water cooler this morning from our local staff was all about something that came in on the wire overnight from Reuters. The source of all the merriment, and disbelief, was one Tom Willard, of Rochester, New York, who has filed a complaint with the US Justice department.

The reason for all the fuss was that Tom is a deaf guy and a nudist park in upstate New York had failed to provide him with a sign language interpreter at its annual festival. To add to the merriment, and the collapse of several stout parties, the wire added that Tom was also suing a local comedy club that had also refused to provide him with his own personal interpreter.

There are days when I thank God that I live in Indonesia, a country that hasn’t gotten around to all this bullshit yet, probably because it can’t afford to. The US has yet to get around to the notion that it can’t afford it either; maybe the Tea party will be of some use after all.

Also causing some amusement with the cooler malingerers was Facebook user Aulan Wapriliani  telling the people over the road that she loves Facebook as her fiancee pokes her every day, “this makes my heart melt” she was quoted as saying. And why not, say we.

Riot police in Kemang looking for Poms

South Jakarta Pak Polisi were out in force in Kemang last evening for the riot that never came. The entire length of Kemang Raya from Fez to Eastern Promise was covered by squads of officers in riot gear prepared for the predicted rioting and looting, with particularly heavy concentrations around EP, Kem Chicks, McDonalds, Roosters, Ranch Market and the Duty Free Shop.

Undeterred, your NtJP reporter bravely made his way to Kemang by way of a taxi that wasn’t a Blue Bird.

Asked for the reason why Pak Polisi were gathered in such large numbers, ranking officer on the ground Commander Budi Buwonobesar told us that the External Monitoring Unit at headquarters on Jl. Sudirman had seen what was going on in London and had ordered contingency plans to be executed in all areas with significant numbers of British expats, including Kemang of course.

Nike - the trainer of choice for experienced looters

Apart from the mid week revellers going about their usual business, all was quiet around midnight, however, and we stopped off at a few places to check out the buzz. A group of very likely looking rioters were in Eastern Promise but turned out to be no more than a bunch of young BIS teachers out on the razzle celebrating their return from annual leave and the upcoming start of term.

One of the BIS teachers, who refused to be named but had a moustache and wore cut-off jeans, sandals and an exquisite diamond stud in his left ear lobe, shared with us that he had just got in from London and was glad to be in a safe country again. Pressed, he admitted that he felt some sympathy for the rioters because of the economic situation back home, but thought that it was “important to understand the distinction between political expression and free trainers”. You always get a good quote from a teacher; that’s why they’re teachers.

As we moved on, Kem Chicks was already long closed of course but we asked one of the SATPAMs on duty if he had seen any riots or looting to which he cleverly replied, “not since Pak Harto left in 1998, Pak”

Finally, we dropped in at Crossroads where we found a couple of young Poms of rioting age and ethnicity playing their 23rd game of pool of the evening who were to happily engage your correspondent in conversation after they had put their cues away for the night.

One of them, Ben from Ealing, said they were both working here in the Stock Exchange building as agents for London Securities Firms and expressed the view that every expat here had a job and felt little need to loot a department store for new trainers, except perhaps those working for the many dodgy language schools in the city.

Bar Manager, Charlie Bali, from Brixton told us that he really would have been up for a bit of a riot this evening as his telly was “on the blink”, however, after a sixteen hour day he really hadn’t felt up for it. “My night off is Tuesday” he told us, adding hopefully that “maybe they will have one next week, I’m surprised they’re not using Blackberries to organise themselves properly, like in Tottenham”.

As your reporter left Kemang for home around 04:30, Pak Polisi were getting into their open sided lorries ready to do the same and the barricades were being dismantled by workmen. So, no riots or looting tonight, however, according to a police source Pak Polisi will be back for at least the next two nights and readers looking to give those back in the UK a bit of support might consider Pasaraya instead, it’s bottom left hand corner of Pak Polisi’s risk matrix apparently as no self respecting expat would be seen dead in the place these days.

As reports came in from all over the city of Poms not rioting anywhere, your reporter’s view was that far and away the biggest risk he took all night was not using a Blue Bird taxi.

The evening before the Editor’s unfortunate arrest and subsequent imprisonment, we shared a few sun downers at the Eastern Promise in Kemang and reviewed progress since we first published, rather oddly on the 30th June, with an insightful piece on the President’s wife’s pussy,

Overall we thought that we were pretty uncertain about where we where and also agreed that we didn’t know where the hell we were going to, but maybe that was healthy. Not having shareholders and quarterly earnings reports can be a real plus some days.

On the same occasion, I was rather surpised to hear the ED say that the piece he was “happiest” with since we opened our doors was not in fact any of the DENSUS 88 blockbusters that were to shake the foundations of the Expat community here in Jakarta, but rather a short but sharp piece on the mooted development of nuclear facilities on Bangka Island.

Never seen him as much of a tree hugger to be honest, however, he was absolutely furious that “they” were even considering such a development “especially when they do fuck all with all the bounteous sunshine God has given Indonesia“. For an atheist he is true believer in bringing the supreme being into argumentation.

Coming soon to an island near you?

Keep the fucking issue alive“, he told me and, with an eye on my own career development, I will share with you the news reported by the Jakarta Post last week, news that went with no comment or analysis from the “journalists” on an organ that rarely manages to join up the dots.

Boiled down to its basics. the news is that 18 Bangka youngsters are being bribed to support given generous scholarhips to study Nuclear Technology. Ermmm, right.

The President and Chief Executive Office of our friendly rivals at the highly recommended, if politically flawed, Jakartass, shares our nuclear concerns and sent us this link about a Swede who has been developing Nuclear Technology in his kitchen, with the suggestion that the BTNNI (the Indonesian National Nuclear Research Institute) may very well be in the market for the guy, wouldn’t cost them too much more than a nice house with large kitchen in Kemang and a couple of kilos of herring a month he reckons.

Dewi being shown how to do it properly by a "technical expert"

Crazier things have happened here for sure, so we have arranged with Top Gun to get one of their prettier girls to run a Geiger Counter over all new arrivals in Blok-M just in case.

A trial run this morning led to several sets of bruised genitals including my own, however, Dewi (her real name) will undoubtedly improve with practice.

Dimas ST, Deputy Editor and Acting Editor

PS the Editor is alive and well and met with his legal advisers in prison yesterday, though we have as yet no reports of any developments.

So with curious eyes and sick surmise
We watched him day by day,
And wondered if each one of us
Would end the self-same way,
For none can tell to what red Hell
His sightless soul may stray.

The Northern Universities Joint Matriculation Board forced Wilde’s words from The Ballad of Reading Gaol (sic) upon me more than forty years ago and, uninvited and unwanted, they returned this morning as I lay awake in my third level bunk bed in Jakarta’s latter day equivalent, listening to the sounds of a jail waking from its slumbers.

The sounds of jails are the same everywhere I guess, locks turning, iron doors slamming, piss pots being emptied and countless throats hawking. Here this morning they are overlaid by the sounds of the faithful taking their pre-dawn sahur ahead of their devotions.

As I don’t do pray, I concentrated instead on the rather more temporal issues of “how did I get in here” and, more importantly, “how the fuck do I get out?”. With hindsight it seems that I was a little precipitate in not engaging  the services of  Menggugat, Merebut dan Lari during my arraignment on Friday and I told Mas Budi, when he brought my Red Cross parcel yesterday afternoon, to get them over here to see me on Monday, maybe they can sort something out with the Prison Govenor; that bastard Gayus (NtJP passim) seemed to spend most of his incarceration watching tennis tournaments in Bali and taking jolly meals out in Singapore.

Had a chat with the commander of our section last evening, when he was kind enough to explain to me the structure of the place while he smoked an entire packet of my newly acquired Marlboro.

The jail is set out as blocks in two concentric circles with the blocks named alphabetically clockwise and from the inside to out. I very nearly pissed myself laughing when he told me I was in Blok-M. It took a little time to explain my mirth to him.

Blok-M contains about 150 prisoners, all non-violent allegedly and being held for various political crimes and corruption. Decent lot by and large I have to say and even recognised a few of them from the fine golf courses of this city, PDI-P and Provincial Governors mainly with a sprinkling of Demokrats and they were kind enough to share a few tinctures with me as we watched the Golf Channel on their 54″ OLED TV with Indovision and even let me put the cans of Bintang that Mas Budi brought for me in their fridge.

Starting to get into the rhythm of the place when, shortly after a particularly disgusting Soto Ayam for lunch which I was to share with a number of small things that crawled, the peace was disturbed by the arrival of prisoner 294844, no other than one Alex McLeish, known to many of you as the man with the TaylorMade(tm) R11s. Small world indeed.

Looking really rather well, possibly as a result of his having had his credit cut off in all his favourite Blok-M bars for the last couple of weeks, Alex was to blame Menggugat, Merebut dan Lari as being the immediate cause of his latest incarceration, “they wanted their firkin money noo, and ah didnae have it, ye ken” adding that they were unwilling to wait for his July commission cheque which “wiz in the post”.

They tell me I will get out before Maghrib on Friday. Isch’allah

Will cost me my virginity, ya!

Posted: August 6, 2011 in General

Selamat pagi semua, the Editor is now a guest in an undisclosed jail in East Jakarta and earlier sent me this e-mail. I plan to visit him this afternoon.

Mas Budi, this is costing me 20,000 roops to send on a handphone borrowed from the head honcho here, so don’t fuck up as I am told that failure to pay today will cost me my virginity, ya!

Bring me 200 Marlboro, 100,000 roops in small denomination bills, six cans of Anker and a can of Baygon, I was nearly eaten alive last night. Oh, and a bottle of ABC Sambal, the stuff here takes the enamel off your teeth. Better also bring some “uang kopi” to make sure I actually get the stuff.

Tell Tee Set I won’t be playing tomorrow and cancel my Jakarta Post for a week.

Give the weekend browsers something to read and put up the FUQs page that I have been working on; it is on the red thumb drive to the left of my monitor if Pak Polisi didn’t arrest it too.

Later, ED

He doesn’t seem very happy, he doesn’t usually swear, anyway. I have just put the Frequently Unanswered Questions page up, hope you understand it, it is quite beyond me.

Selamat Siang, Mas Budi, IT Manager

Editor in arraignment crisis!!!

Posted: August 5, 2011 in General

going, going, nearly gone?

For the Editor, yesterday was to prove to be a day of mixed fortunes as, after hitting his best ever round of 39-43-82 on the wonderful Rainbow Hills course and a fast journey both ways on a Jagorawi Tol where most of the fourth lane upgrade is in place, he had an unwelcome visit from Pak Polisi not long after he had broken his fast with a delicious Soto Ayam at his Kemang residence.

Following long questioning overnight at South Jakarta’s main police station, the Editor was arraigned this morning at the Kemang district courthouse with Judge Bapak Abdullah Yunus Sutjiati presiding.

In view of likely high interest in the matter, the courthouse issued a prompt verbatim  of the proceedings in Bahasa Indonesia. What follows therefore is a Google aided translation of that document, so bear in mind that the editor gave evidence in English which was translated by a court official who wrote it down in Indonesian before being translated back into English by us with the help of a programme that translates “Badan kami tidak enak” as our “bodies are not delicious”.

So, what does this all mean for you the reader apart I guess from the fact that you will not be reading too much of XXXXX 88‘s derring do in the future? Fortunately, it is the weekend coming up so we will be on break as usual and, inschallah, we will be able to consult with the Editor about what to do next week. We will keep you posted … Mas Budi, IT Manager

PS we called off the strike as soon as we heard of Bapak Editor’s arrest.

Editor in arrest shock!!!

Posted: August 4, 2011 in General

Do you know who I am?

The Editor was arrested a little earlier this evening and is currently in police custody. It is understood that he will be questioned by a judge tomorrow morning.

We expect to bring further news and analysis of the situation around midday tomorrow, Friday.