ISCI Hockey team in KL bar shock!!!

Details are only now emerging of an incident at the RSC 9-a side hockey tournament in Kuala Lumpur a couple of weekends ago, with the matter going unreported in the Malaysian press and a wall of silence being established until last evening by the International Sporting Club of Indonesia‘s (ISCI) participants.

Fortunately, our indefatigable Blok-M stringer was on the spot late last night earning his per diem in Sportsmans Bar where a few of the ISCI boys were exuberantly celebrating a hard earned 3-2 victory at Senayan over a strong and determined University Al-Azhar HC.

According to what our semi-sloshed stringer thought he overheard, the problem started when the ISCI team tried to enter, en masse, one of the dodgy girly bars on Bukit Bintang. Several of the expats had already entered when two of the team’s Indonesian players were refused entry on the grounds that they were not expats.

Led by burly English central defender Martin “Black Ada” Bates, the expats informed the doormen that unless their Indonesian team mates were let in then they (the doormen) were about to wear a beer or two after which a number of blows were exchanged.

The arrival of the local Pak Polisi minutes later calmed things down somewhat and a triumphant ISCI team were eventually all granted entry by a rather nervous management shortly afterwards, when they partied until being thrown/carried out around 04:00 along with some newly acquired and rather fragrant local supporters.

Job (Sabun) Renkins, former playing hero of ISCI was quoted from his New York office as saying “Unbelievable, nothing has changed, we had the same fucking problem in Bangkok 20 years ago when they wouldn’t let Soy Rondakh in on the grounds that he was “too Asian”” adding, “well done, boys, for standing up for your rights!!”

Team President and one time speedy winger, Allan Kent, said, “it’s ironic that we only came away because the Pak Polisi in Jakarta seemed to be arresting expats on a near daily basis.”. Asked to explain the blanket of “omerta” that had been thrown around the incident, Allan explained that most of  their wives thought they were on a Temple viewing mission to Borobudur but that had all been cleared up now..

No more shocks

Yes, we moved on but, despair not, the entire staff have taken up residence at Mata Pribadi, a monthly magazine coveing much the same crap we did here but, perhaps, a little edgier.

As the site continues to get 20-30 hits a day we have left it open, though all the articles can now be found on Mata Pribadi itself as well.

We had fun, we hope you did too …. Mbak Dewi, Mas Budi and all our stringers wish you a fond farewell – and me too, ED

NtJP in brown envelope shock!!

Indications from the Kemang Commercial Court are that, short of the odd brown envelope, the deal with Mata Pribadi will get approval this coming Friday.

While Mata Pribadi‘s plans are not yet in the public domain, we understand that they will be publishing a fortnightly satirical magazine and, given such a schedule is less likely to interfere with his golf, the Editor has indicated he may be willing to contribute to this brave new venture on a part-time basis. Looks like I may get a job too!!

Assuming that all goes well. the first issue of Mata Pribadi can be expected around 14th September we are given to understand. As they will by then have legal entitlement to our subscriber list, we guess that you can expect to hear from them then, if not before.

Mas Budi, IT Manager

In the matter of NottheJakarkta Post LLC (in liquidation)

In the matter of NottheJakarkta Post LLC (in liquidation) please be advised that a petition is before this court from the Administrators seeking approval of the sale of the business on a “current valuation” plus intangible asset basis to Mata Pribadi (Channel Islands) LLC . A summary of the final transaction is as follows.

The full sum payable by Mata Pribadi (Channel Islands) LLC has been lodged in an escrow account with this court pending approval of the petition from the Liquidators of NottheJakarkta Post LLC (in liquidation).

Any objections to the sale on the financial terms stated must be provided in writing, signed, addressed and with the Clerk to the Court at the following address on or before 7th September 2011.

Clerk to the Court

Kemang Commercial Court

Kemang Raya 239(b)

Jakarta Seletan

This Statutory Notice is also published , as required, in the Jakarta Posr, Jakarta Globe and Kompas.

Bapak Hj. Nury N. Hitachi, Clerk to the Court

NtJP in final curtain Shock!!

If you have come here looking for the usual Friday Roundup then we have bad news.

After just 60 days in existence, the NottheJakartaPost is closing its doors and the staff are all moving on to pastures new.

A number of you have become rather fond of the NtJP  “family” and what they have produced and have been kind enough to tell us, thanks for that, it kept us going through the dark days!!

It is, they used to tell your Editor, though he seldom saw it in reality, good practice to review outcome against what was originally planned, and learn.

With a healthy Johnnie Walker Black Label and ice in hand, let me do just that, first of all by listing what the Editor originally had in mind as objectives, even though these are at significant variance with those published on the About Us  and FUQ pages.

Original Objectives 

1. Exercise the Editor’s brain, not least because it was showing signs of healing over after 1 year of retirement,
2. Give him a chance to express some creativity after 35 years locked up in one of the world’s largest bureaucracies,
3. Have some fun himself, and
4. Entertain and amuse others

We think we can truthfully say that all objectives have been met, most especially #3 and  hence the decision now to quit while we are ahead (for full-time golf – ED) and give those who corrupt, lie and steal and indeed those who choose to go nowhere without their Greek silver bracelet, and their ilk, a break. To those of you worried about the staff and a number of the characters you have come to love, I can share with you what happens to them;

Mas Budi marries Mbak Dewi, they have three gorgeous little girls and a boy to die for and they live happily  ever after in a small but pretty town house in Tebet.

Our Blok M stringer gets a one year contract with the Jakarta Globe to do exactly what he enjoyed doing for us, but for 50% more money.

Alex McLeish’s boat comes in with his appointment as Indonesian main distributor, for TaylorMade ™ receiving an advance large enough to allow him to get out of the jail in which we left him languishing and pay off all the Blok M bars to whom he was in significant debt.

Dewi Rahman, after a Facebook campaign “Pennies for Dewi’s Penis” launched by the “Lesbian, Gay and people who wake up in the morning not being quite sure” pressure group, finally gets the “cruelest cut of all” in Singapore and has now been officially registered by the FAB Pool League as a female player in time for the February 2012 start of season.

Former British Ambassador to Indonesia, Martin Alan Gobfull gets a knighthood in the 2012 Honours List for services to Diversity and Multiculturalism.

The Jakarta Inter League goes back to being what it really is, a bastion of privilege, what the Aussies term mate-hood and not a little healthy competition. And Tee Set wins the next league.

The Hashers and pool players of Jakarta moved on happily to a future untainted by DENSUS 88 raids and transvestites. Everest Bastards win the 2012 FAB League.

On a vaguely serious closing note, we hope that our short existence showed you, if nothing else, the dangers of uncritical reading of the media. Just because it’s got a witty by-line, typed nicely and got pretty pictures does NOT mean it’s true, far from it.

There are veritable legions of people out there making a very decent living making up shit for you to swallow that will advantage them, their employers or their own special interest group. Look cynically at everything, and follow the money!!

Thanks for your time, and apologies once again for the intrusion – ED

PS to the kind gentleman who subscribed to NtJP from West Java via the excellent WordPress only this morning, humble apologies.

PPS should you wish to take a trip down memory lane at any time then Mas Budi, as his last task is preparing a list of the 30 most popular stories, sorted on “popularity” defined for these purposes as number of page hits. The Editor will help further by marking what were truly the best or at least those for which we had tears in our eyes even as we wrote them.

Mighty Reds in BATS shock!!!!

Burgeoning Asian interest in English Premier League (EPL) football has not bypassed Jakarta,  the city that really never sleeps, indeed a recent survey commissioned by the NtJP, in conjunction with newly arrived SUPERBRANDS, revealed that more than one in two Jakartan cars and motor bikes sport the favours of an EPL team, with Manchester United (MU) ahead of both Chelsea and Liverpool with the others, especially Newcastle United, being also rans.

Keen to capitalise (monetise? – ED) on this, many EPL sides have made the long journey out this way in order to sell more football shirts promote themselves.  With primary attention hitherto on China, Malaysia, Japan and Korea, Indonesia’s growing economic power is now attracting the attention of the big boys, with recent visits by star names like Rio Ferdinand and Cesc  Fabregas and, yesterday of course, the Mighty Reds of Liverpool FC (LFC).

Everybody with anything to do with Indonesian football was immensely disappointed by the cancellation of the Manchester United visit to Jakarta in 2009, a cancellation brought about  by the deadly terrorist bomb attack on the Ritz-Carlton Hotel where the team was due to stay and the nearby JW Marriot Hotel (A few of the dead and injured were pretty pissed off as well – ED).

“That event was a disaster for all associated with Indonesian football” the NtJP was reminded by the interim President of PSSI (pounds per square inch) Bambang Purwanto from Solo “and we have worked tirelessly since to bring another big name club to Jakarta for the fans to enjoy, we are absolutely over the moon that LFC were finally able to agree terms. It has really helped that we now have a four star General in charge of the league; they know how to get things done here. We know that his only other experience of football was a five-a-side game with his kids on Anyar beach in 1989, however, that is not what counts here”

With a capacity crowd of 80,000 at Bung Karno Stadium at Senayan last night to cheer them on Indonesian Independence Day, the Merah Putih did well to hold LFC to 1-1 at half-time before a brilliant second half hat-trick from Louis Suarez and a stunner from Andy Carroll sealed their fate, with the match ending 1-5, no disgrace surely to lose to the rampant five times European Champions?

After a short reception at the Shangri Lah hotel where they were staying, in order to get a bite to eat and auction off for children’s charities a number of football shirts signed by the whole team, most of the players then repaired to the BATS nightclub in the basement of the hotel itself and one of the city’s most notorious, erm, discos. Team management were apparently blissfully unaware of BATS being in the Hotel and their stern warning to the team that they must not leave the hotel was consequently somewhat undermined.

Upon word of the players’ presence in BATS reaching the NtJP news desk, we immediately despatched our Blok M Correspondent to the scene to see if he could get us on the inside track. While reporters from both the Jakarta Post and Jakarta Globe were already present, our correspondent’s Scouse accent and lifelong support of “the Reds” were to give him a distinct advantage and he was to quickly engage star striker Andy Carroll, signed from the Toons for £36 million earlier this year.

Asked what he thought about the game last evening, an Andy draped with two stunners replied, “never mind that shite, look at all these gorgeous women, unbelievable, and they’re all up for it you know, knocks the old Tuxedo Junction into a cocked hat, I’ve already had more offers than I could handle in a month”, adding with a wink, “excuse me, I’m off to show these two my stamp collection upstairs, I don’t need an agent  for that”.

Joe Cole, sitting with perhaps the prettiest girl in the place, one Yanti Sularti a hairdresser from Ciamis, was later to share with us that the last time he was in a place like this he was “left shirt-less, phone-less, money-less, covered in blood & bruises and wandering the streets”. Wouldn’t happen here, Joe, so no need for a super-injunction either, they don’t have ‘em here.

Standing nearby, a clearly engrossed team captain and your Editor’s own personal Superhero, Stevie Gerrard, said he had never seen anything like it, adding that “I’ve ‘ad an offer to play ‘ere in Jakarta after I retire from the Reds, an’ you know wha’, even though the money is shite, I may just fucking take it, it’s the business ’ere in Jakarta”.

Signing from Charlton FC last year, the hugely talented Jonjo Shelvey, was clearly delighted to be in a town where Twitter had yet to take hold as he told us, “none of the girls in this city have seen my dick yet, but that is about to change”.

Our correspondent also took time to interview a few of the enormous number of lovely ladies invariably present in BATS, first asking “Dewi” a hairdresser from Pelabuhan Ratu what she thought of the players? “Cakap sumua” or “they are all handsome” she replied before adding, “we haven’t had so much fun since Pak Rio was here and sorted out four of the girls at once in the fire escape!!”. Another “Dewi” this one from Lampung and yet another hairdresser was,  in answer to the same question, to say that she had fallen in love with “Looie” as he looked quite like a Menado boy and that she would love to take him home to meet her Mum.

As dawn broke, we caught Team Manager Kenny Dalglish in the lobby giving the Shangri Lah’s General Manager, Gerhard Gecko,  the man who never goes anywhere without his Greek silver bracelet, a severe bollocking for having failed to inform the Team Management of what he described as “that knocking shop in the fucking cellar”, evoking only the rather pathetic response, “Mr Dalglish, it really is just a disco and it was certainly in the pamphlet we sent you”

On being asked immediately afterwards what his plans for the day were, Kenny shared with us that finding his missing players “wiz right there at the top af mah fucking shopping list” adding “and youse can fuck off too, son” in that curious mix of the Glasgow and Liverpool patois that has so beguiled Reds supporters over the years. Immediately afterwards, however, he was to turn around and shout after your correspondent, “you live in Jakarta right, why are there so many hairdressers on the fucking game here, and why are they all called Dewi?.” Unable to give an answer that had any chance of being understood, your correspondent left the scene. Aduh, Jakarta yah, enak aja loe.

Shangri Lah management was unavailable for comment early morning but did suggest we check out their website. We didn’t.

We did, however, get through to the British Embassy for once but their only response was, “Liverpool, are they really here, can you get us some tickets?” before we put the phone down though, to be fair,  that was better than the multi-layered telephone answering “service” menu we usually get.

MIGHTY REDS, wonderful to share our city with you, come back soon, y’all!!

Happy Independence Day, Indonesia!!

We may moan sometimes, but we love you warts and all!

NtJP will be back tommorow

Not the Jakarta Post in NASDAQ IPO sensation!!!

In the days before business models were called business models, giving things away was not considered a sensible business model. Now, however, your average venture capitalist would probably laugh if you proffered him a business plan which incorporated the curious concept of charging somebody for something. The last self-made Billionaire to make his money that way was probably Bill Gates and look what he is doing now, that’s right, giving all his money away.

Yep, all the serious money these days is being made by those dedicated to giving stuff away with the recent honour roll of the philanthropic Billionaires including Google, which you may have come across, Skype which you probably use to talk with your loved ones, Facebook of course (“We’re free and always will be”), Android , which is on more smart phones than Apple’s iOS and Linked-In the social network of choice for all those with a suit in their wardrobe and which was recently IPO-ed for Squillions.

So, in our relentless quest to advantage our readers, we have established a special focal point within our group that covers the Jakarta business scene.

We have charged her with keeping a very close eye on the movers and shakers looking to make a fortune by giving things away in the Big Durian. What follows is her first report.

Something that you may have come across being given away for free in the bars, hotel lobbies, schools and golf clubs of Jakarta is a magazine called Now! Jakarta.

We had a look at the July edition; we couldn’t find August, it may be a Ramadhan thing.

LIKES

It’s free, yeahhh!!!!

Lovely glossy magazine that would truly not look out-of-place on your coffee table

Consistently good photographic work, they have a man with an eye for composition and who knows the difference between an ISO and his aperture.

Useful directory at the back of people, places and things in Jakarta. Worth the free cover price for that alone.

Buried amongst the adverts and advertorials are some decent  Jakarta stories including, this month, coverage of the Highland Games and the lucky man who won a Mercedes APV for a hole in one – using a 3 wood from 125 meters for God’s sake.

They have an iPhone App for it!!

DISLIKES

Endless fawning pieces on malls, jewellery stores, condos and Balinese investment villa opportunities dressed up as journalism but which are clearly paid advertising puffs  and, in all likelihood, actually written by the advertiser themselves. There is a lack of distinction between where reporting ends and advertising begins that the News of the World couldn’t get away with, if it were still with us.

A strong consensus on funniest AND worse piece; it really had to be the “Fashion and Jewellery” item “Dressed for Success” featuring a couple of hotel managers and a “Senior Partner” at a “Wealth Manager” with their best Armani suits on,  flashing their cuffs and telling us their favourite Cologne. Favourite quote? – “I would never leave home without my Greek silver bracelet”. Who was it who said all publicity is GOOD publicity, WRONG!!!.  To add to the toxic conflict of interest cocktail, the Wealth Manager’s company had taken out a full-page advertisement in the middle of a “Special Supplement on Finance and Wealth Management”, written of course by the man who flashed his cuffs earlier (and not the one with the Greek bracelet fixation).

They charge $1.99 to download the magazine on to your iPad!! Who on earth is going to pay that for a magazine on their iPad that they can get for free at the hairdressers and put on their coffee table?  NottheJakartaPost would love to know how many downloads they had – we would guess about three, including the Editor’s Her Indoors.

So, way to go, should you buy shares in it? Well, erm, it is produced by a private company so you would have to await the IPO; we will bring you more in-depth coverage should it ever happen. We suggest in the interim that you keep your excess funds ready for next week’s floatation of “Not the Jakarta  Post LLC” a British Virgin Islands company with a Business Model which charges nothing for everything, even its iPad Edition.

Priced to sell at $1.99 a share at which level it has an infinitely negative P/E ratio. Having just checked the petty cash, we can also share with you that NtJP has Net Assets of 47,655 Roops. Sure fire winner, BUY.

The same old, same old non-shock!!!

And how was your journey into the office this morning? Out-of-date statistics suggest more than hour to travel really not very far, and up-to-date statistics would undoubtedly suggest longer. You do not need statistics of course to know that travel to work here is a complete pain in the ass and with around half of Indonesia’s 800,000 new cars this year headed for Greater Jakarta, it is not going to get better real soon. We will not share with you the number of motor bikes that will also be joining in the fun on the grounds that frightening readers is seldom good editorial policy.

Rizwan Alamsjah, a director of the Mitsubishi Motors distributor in Jakarta, was asked recently if motor manufacturers should take the blame for the appalling traffic jams and pollution that anybody who has spent more than a nano-second in the city is only too aware of.

Tuan Rizwan denied it – and he is right of course, they are no more responsible for the city’s traffic than the manufacturers of H-Bombs were responsible for Hiroshima, the makers of pharmaceutical grade arsenic for the death of Munir Talib Said or the purveyors of box cutters and plastic knives for the collapse of the New York World Trade Centre’s Twin Towers.

No, what caused all these desirable outcomes was policy, and the only thing that is going to get Jakarta out of its traffic mess is that self, same thing, POLICY.

Rather unfortunately, we have to tell you that there is NO policy, NO holistic plan, just a series of misguided knee jerk reactions largely designed to attract a little short-term political popularity such as 3 in 1, Busways, banning lorries from the inner city Jalan Tols, trains stopping at every station between here and Bogor and now the construction of a couple of flying roads to add to the chaos.

The latest whizzy idea from the Ministry of Whizz Bang Ideas will be unlikely to inspire you either; they are only going to let cars of a certain colour use the roads on any given day; make sure your office fleet is not kitted out in identical livery or you will be going to all those important meetings at the Ministry in a fucking Bajai. The only beneficiaries of this latest move are likely to be the Ketok Magic who will be doing a roaring trade in paint jobs and of course your usual rent-seeking uniformed guardians of the law who will of course be taking a great interest in the colour of your car.

When your Editor first called the Big Durian home, Bangkok was much worse traffic wise than Jakarta and now, 22 years later and with approximately equal growth in population for each city, the reverse is true. How did that happen, I hear you ask? Excellent question, well done that boy.

Sigh ......

The answer is that Bangkok invested in public transport; in spades, MRT, proper buses, trains and integrated timetables for the whole lot. Jakarta’s answer in the meanwhile came in the shape of the concrete stumps to be found to this day around Senayan – and last week’s proud announcement that 20 new Metro Minis had been acquired to replace 20 old ones.The only city in the world with a worse track record in responding to 21st century needs is probably Edinburgh.

Have a great journey home this evening; just try not to think about what the same journey will take you in 18 months time.

Great British Breakfast in toast sensation!!

Kemang macet banget, Pak

The NottheJakartaPost is pleased to announce the appointment of its first Restaurant Critic. While he doesn’t know too much about food, he does know what he likes and doesn’t cost us very much, 50% of the cost of all authorised and properly receipted meals taken in fact. Never mind, the arrangement makes us both happy.

This morning he chanced his arm by heading for one of the largest traffic jams in Jakarta, or Kemang as it is sometimes known, and later filed this report.

Open now for just a few months, Bangers and Mash, is just the sort of ridiculous thing you almost expect to find in Kemang these days, in this case a cafe modelled along British lines and offering firm favourites like the all day British Breakfast, fish and chips and indeed the eponymous Bangers and Mash and much more of what they label “comfort food”.

Also on offer are lots of Scottish stuff like Haggis and Scotch eggs and God knows what else though not, as far as I could find out, the infamous Scottish deep fried Mars bar; it is clear, however, that the place has a strong North of the Border influence.

For my first visit, I just had to try their Great British Breakfast, just as well as we were told that the Steak and Kidney pie I also fancied was “habis” and more only”lagi dibikin”. Yep, all the pies and much else are “home made” for heaven’s sake, God knows where they get their pigs from.

Sorry, had made a start before remembering to take a photo!

The GBB was well cooked and presented and the taste of the pork sausages after six months without any was quite divine and the bacon just as good.

Only disappointment in fact was that the Indonesian idea of how toast should be made seemed to hold sway, ie place a round of bread approximately 10 cm away from a 50 watt light bulb and hold it there for a full 5 seconds. Buy a fucking toaster for Christ’s sake, they’re only 200,000 roops or something in Carrefour.

The place is a little spartan, just like what it is imitating in fact, but spotlessly clean and the crew were attentive, efficient and friendly without being intrusive and operated well even (especially?) in the absence of an expat.

If you need a cholesterol shot from home without damaging your wallet overmuch then give them a go, well worth a visit. We will be back to try out the pies just to confirm they are as tasty to eat as they were to look at. What a job. See ya.

PS for cricket followers who did’t see what G. Boycott had to say in his Daily Telegraph e-mail report this morning then here is an extract.

Cook has legendary powers of concentration, discipline and the ability to accumulate runs. But there was a moment in the afternoon when I did not think it unreasonable for someone to have said to him you need to look to be a bit more positive.

Bring me the sick bag, Alice, I could take this from just about anyone but the Yorkshire Mouth, the man who ALWAYS put his own personal statistics above the interests of any team he happened to be playing for, not least England. Twat.